Have you ever noticed that Christmas Day with little kids is a bit like a death metal concert? They both involve copious amounts of controlled substances (in this case, sugar) music of questionable quality, bright lights, screaming, body slamming, mess making, and the occasional dirty protest. As the proprietor and organizer of said death metal [Read more…]
Ode To My Milk Boobs
When I was young, I used to wish for big boobs—terrific, tantalizing ta-tas like all the girls in movies seemed to have. I often asked myself: Wouldn’t I be the most popular girl at my middle school prom if I had giant melons instead of these prepubescent raisins? Sadly, I wouldn’t realize until many years [Read more…]
What do you do when your child rejects you?
I think everyone remembers the sting of their first unrequited love: the heartache, the confusion over what you did wrong or why you’re not good enough, and the deep longing to be with them any way you can. Sure, it’s all part of growing, not to mention a plot device in almost every teen romantic [Read more…]
My Uterus Brainwashed Me: The Real Reason I Decided To Have More Kids
In the last five years I’ve given birth to three beautiful children, and every time as I walked into the delivery room I was absolutely certain that they would be my last. What happened? Somewhere between “holy crap, I’ll never do this again” and “wouldn’t it be fun to have one more” I lost [Read more…]
Eight Important Life Lessons I’ve Learned From Baby Poop
My children love to poop. In fact, they fill diapers like they are pooping for their country in the Olympics. I recently gave birth to my third child, and she is the light of my life, my first daughter, an adorable bundle of sugar and spice and everything nice, and a veritable poop machine. Just [Read more…]
A New Mom’s Shit List
Every new mom has been there at some point: exhausted, hormonal, sweaty, flabby, self-conscious, and probably aching from the vagina. Then out of nowhere, some jerk pushes all your buttons and you lose your cool in a fit of blubbering, cursing, and shooshing…because you probably woke the baby. If you were anything like me, you [Read more…]
Raising a Baby With a Ghost
It’s 3:00am. The house is dark, and though the air around me is cold enough to see my breath I am unable to feel the chill. In fact, I wake to find my bed sheets soaked beneath me, the duvet twisted tight around my legs like a vine, and one arm draped awkwardly across the [Read more…]
Pregnancy Nostalgia: What If She’s My Last?
I hate being pregnant. It’s true, and I’m not shy about shouting it from every proverbial rooftop I can reach. I am almost half way through my third pregnancy, so I feel completely confident in saying that I’m never going to be one of those women who revels in the miracle of pregnancy. I wish [Read more…]
Does Writing Make Me A Worse Parent?
Multitasking is fundamental to motherhood, especially when you have multiple children. You must be able to change a diaper, while playing trains with the older child, singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to the baby to keep him from rolling in his own feces, and hold the dogs at bay with one foot so they don’t [Read more…]
Diary of a 10 month old
Two months ago I posted a thought experiment on what a baby would blog about if he was ever allowed to play with my iPad. Believe me, he tries. I had so much fun writing it that I decided to make it a monthly installation. This is the third installation of the Diary of a [Read more…]
Diary Of A 9 Month Old
Last month I posted a thought experiment on what a baby would blog about if he was ever allowed to play with my iPad. Believe me, he tries. I had so much fun writing it that I decided to make it a monthly installation. So, without further ado, the much anticipated sequel to Diary Of [Read more…]
Fire and Ice
I’ve written before (see brothers) about how different my two boys have been since the days they were born. My first slipped so calmly and quietly into this world that I had to ask if he was breathing before they handed him to me. He was solid and still and breathtakingly beautiful. My second came [Read more…]
Stream of Consciousness Saturday: Verb
This post was written as part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday (See original post here). This is exactly what it sounds like inside my brain while I write. No editing. Not much thinking. Just pure, random associations. This week’s prompt is: Start with any VERB. My verb is: CRYING The baby is crying again. So [Read more…]
My Heir and Mein Herr
My three year old is a bundle of testosterone-induced energy. He spends most of his time covered head to toe in dirt, food, and bruises. If it doesn’t have wheels he’s not interested in playing with it. He laughs at farts and belches, chases the dogs, and shakes it off when he falls off his [Read more…]
My Bra Is Full of Surprises
The other day, as I was getting ready for bed, I found a red M&M in my bra. My three year old had been throwing some up in the air trying to catch them in his mouth, and I guess his aim was worse than we thought. It had, as the 80s commercials promised, not [Read more…]