Like everyone, toddlers are searching the world for their ideal partners: their play date soul mates. Unfortunately, young children are confined to the play dates their parents arrange for them and often end up thrust into awkward social situations with playmates who wouldn’t know a My Little Pony from a Hungry Hungry Hippo.
It would be great if there was a place where toddlers could connect with a community of like-minded only-children in need of a friend: an online tool where lonely pre-schoolers complete profiles listing their likes and dislikes to help them and their parents make better play dating choices.
Below is a sample profile for 2 1/2 year old Roscoe. Could he be your toddler’s soul mate?
Seeking: Boys and girls, ages 3-5. I’m not intimidated by an older partner as long as they can keep up! Potty-trained is preferable, but not required.
Likes: Late nights and early mornings. My motto is: sleep when you’re in kindergarten.
Dislikes: The color green. Broccoli, grass, leprechauns, and the inferior grapes all incite in me a hulk-like rage unparalleled in print or on screen.
Hobbies: I find the forgotten art of cave painting highly rewarding, not to mention practical. My newest exploration into dog painting has proven more challenging in its fleeting nature.
Favorite movie: I can’t remember the last time I sat through an entire movie. That having been said, I do enjoy a rousing musical, and must meet someone who “has ears and says cheers” to the Mickey Mouse Hot Dog Dance.
Favorite book: Nothing calms my mind after a long creative session of scraping paint off walls with a set of house keys like curling up in front of the fire and devouring a good book. I find milk helps the pages slide down easier.
Favorite food: People tell me I’m a great orderer. For example, grilled cheese must be made with geometrically perfect squares of Kraft singles cheese, served on the side, of course. The bread must be toasted until golden-brown but not crunchy-loud, and the crusts removed. The whole thing should be sliced diagonally and presented on a lukewarm, purple plate.
What would you say is your best quality? I’m always up for an adventure, unless it requires me to put on pants, ride in the car, walk upright, or spit out the concluding chapter of Anna Karenina. I mean, come on, we all know how it ends.
What would you say is your worst quality? I am extremely selective, some would say fussy, in all aspects of my life. I’d rather send my plate back to the kitchen a thousand times than eat improperly sliced apples or unpeeled grapes.
Describe yourself in one word: No.
What is one word others would use to describe you? My mom says I’m lucky I’m cute, but I think that’s two words. Counting is hard.
What is your proudest moment? Yesterday I managed to bite my own toenails.
Where do you see yourself in five years? An astronaut. No wait, a cowboy. No, a circus clown. Taxi driver? Wait I’ve got it: a camel.
How would you describe your perfect play date? Life’s too short to spend sitting on perfectly good sofa cushions when we could be riding them down the stairs like a toboggan.
Kids like Roscoe aren’t looking for someone to help flush their mom’s keys once and never call again. They yearn for a real connection with another child, the kind where they finish each other’s sentences, crusts, and nose-picking. Toddlers are searching for a special friend who’s in it for the long haul.
Or at least until nap time.