It’s everywhere, bursting forth from clothes made to fit my toddler, ambling nonchalantly through the supermarket (watch out for the freezer aisle!), tempting an entire generation of sex-obsessed teenage boys, and making me wonder how I missed this disturbing shift in fashion trends:
Under-butt has become the new cleavage.
As recently initiated member of the too-old-to-understand club (an ancient and prestigious society; like the masons, but with Coach purses and thigh masters) I’m appalled by this new trend in youth fashion.
These days it’s all about the bass.
And by “bass” I mean proudly displaying the bottom third to half of your backside in public. In front of the children, no less!
I’ve been proud of my cleavage since the summer after tenth grade when the boys started noticing how shapely my…eyes were. It was the first and only time I welcomed twenty pounds of excess flesh onto my body. The moment I notice my butt jiggling I run (literally) to the gym, but having a little wiggle in my sweater makes me feel like a Victoria’s Secret model.
Why the sudden change? What was wrong with cleavage?
Life was simpler when hormone-induced cookie dough binges and grief-stricken exercise strikes meant half of those sinful calories were deposited directly into your bra, resulting in glorious post-breakup knockers that were perfect for tormenting your ex and attracting handsome rebounds.
It was easy, effortless. Breasts are basically lumps of fat; there are no muscles involved. You can’t work out your tits. If anything, working out makes them smaller, saggier, and a little sore.
With boobs, it’s all about size: the plumper, the better. Booties, on the other hand, need to be toned. “I’m so jealous that Becky has a gigantic butt,” said no girl ever…except maybe in a Sir Mix-a-lot video.
As much as I’d like to live in a 90s hip-hop video, I don’t. Now, thanks to J Lo and Kim Kardashian, I can’t even hide those extra ten pounds from last Christmas in my Spanx. Who loves short shorts? Not me.
I’ll be cursing Jen and Kim with every lunge I am now obligated to endure.
Despite the fact that my children sucked the life from my tired breasts, I could still roll up my deflated boobies and prop them up with a balconette bra for a special occasion…like leaving the house alone. While expensive lingerie keeps my boobs from swinging down around my knees, what’s to stop my buns? There isn’t an item of clothing on this planet that is up to the task of hoisting my sagging derrière back to its pre-baby position.
On the bright side, I wouldn’t have to buy special shorts to join in this trend. My drooping backside has been hanging out the bottom of my standard-length shorts for years. That’s why moms invented yoga pants.
While I can certainly appreciate that the increased ventilation afforded by the micro-shorts reduces unpleasant butt-sweat in the sweltering summer months, what about those hot, leather minivan seats? Ouch!
What’s a middle-aged mom to do?
And what do you do when the protein shakes you’ve been drinking to build up lean muscles in your butt have stopped you up tighter than a wine cork and you’ve had to spend the last 30 minutes suffering on the toilet? Are bright red toilet rings a badge of honor, the way cute tan lines on your boobs meant you’d been sunbathing?
Speaking of the sun, I don’t know about you, but south of my border hasn’t seen the light of day in about 30 years. That’s some Grade A pale flesh, and there isn’t enough sunscreen in the world to keep my dimpled cheeks from frying faster than the bacon that created them in the first place. What kind of sorcery keeps their cheeks blister-free?
It’s going to take a lot of jump-squats in order for me to have the gluteus maximus to jump on the bare butt cheek bandwagon. I could drop it like it’s hot, but dropping an entire paycheck at Victoria’s Secret was so much easier, not to mention more time efficient.
The truth is, I don’t understand the ass cheek movement, and by the time I succumb to the peer pressure and start preparing by squeezing my butt cheeks together while in line at Target, the kids will move on to showing off some other horrifying part of their body in the name of fashion. The assless shorts industry will be forced to cater to the wrinklier masses, and the world will be just that much worse for it.
So please, fashion-conscious, hard-bodied youths of the world, for all of our sakes, turn the other cheek…and put the rest of them away.