Do you guys know today’s guest poster Tracey Schaefer? If not, you should. She’s a self-proclaimed mommy Jekyll and Hyde, taking care of her two boys by day and bitching about it at night! I’m guessing most of us can relate to that feeling, especially those of us surrounded by hoards of boys. She is hilarious and talented and today she’s sharing with us why she thinks having boys is the bee’s knees. Ok, she didn’t actually use the term “bee’s knees” but I’ve always wanted to say that.
What do you think? Are boys the way to go, or do you prefer sugar and spice and everything nice?
I always figured I was meant to be the mother of boys.
OK, caveat: like all girls did at the age of eight, I made a pact with my BFF that when we grew up, we would live right next door to each other and she would have a girl and I would have a girl and they would both have blonde hair and be best friends and we would all live happily ever after playing with our Barbies and Easy-Bake ovens.
But I had grown up with two older brothers. We played Bloody Knuckles and Greco-Roman wrestled together. I wasn’t Daddy’s Little Princess so much as Daddy’s Little Power Forward (“Be aggressive under the basket!” he would exhort.) So as a kid, I was comfortable in the world of boys.
After I married, I got it in my head that one of my chief duties as a woman was to bequeath my husband a son. A son that he would retrieve from my loins, hoist heavenward and present to the Pridelands a la “The Lion King.” If I didn’t produce a male heir, the consequences might be dire (let’s just say I was watching a lot of “The Tudors” at the time).
I was all-in for Team XY.
So when the ultrasound picture clearly revealed – twice – that we would be decorating our nursery in a shade of robin’s egg and not cotton candy, I was elated, and so was my husband.
But for every mother of boys only – even the ones, like me, who wanted them – there comes a moment. A moment when you realize all the things you won’t do with a mini-me. No princess costumes, pedicures or prom dresses. No watching your daughter become a bride, or sharing the experience of motherhood.
This is the moment when you realize that you will, in fact, live the next years of your life in a sausage factory.
At that moment, you feel the slightest twinge of longing in your heart. And then you must collect yourself, because one son is hanging off the top shelf of the pantry in an ill-fated Oreo raid and the other is preparing to dump an assload of Legos down the toilet.
And it occurs to you that maybe you’re romanticizing the whole girl thing. OK, so you won’t be able to sew you and your little sweetheart matching dresses from McCall’s patterns like your own mother did. So what? You don’t even know how to sew on a button. Plus, there are some pretty major perks to being a dude-maker. Case in point:
1) You don’t ever have to discuss “menstruation.” Is there a more cringe-worthy word in the English language? Or topic? With boys, you dodge this (one) personal hygiene bullet and avoid the divisive plastic vs. cardboard debate.
2) You won’t have to share. Clothes. Jewelry. Make-up. The aforementioned feminine hygiene products. There won’t be any trying on mommy’s dresses and stumbling around in her high heels. Unless, well… my sons turn out to be “unique.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
3) Wardrobe battles will be easier. Sure, I might yell, “You’re not leaving the house in that!” but it will be because the outfit in question has a ketchup stain on it. Maybe a shirt is untucked or socks don’t match. Not because it makes my child look like Jodie Foster in “Taxi Driver.”
4) You won’t have to drop serious coin on a lavish wedding. I’ll empty my wallet on an outrageously extravagant rehearsal dinner, thankyouverymuch.
5) You can be alone. Daddy and the boys can go to the men’s room, the football game, Boy Scout camp, Sport Clips, Hooter’s, the Three Stooges Film Festival , the man cave, where-the-hell-ever. All. Without. Mom.
6) You can indulge in your secret love for bathroom humor. You can lose the “ladylike” act and toss out some good fart jokes. You know you want to.
7) You won’t have to describe what a gynecologist does and how he does it. Because when I went to see the gyno for the first time in the ninth grade (for the aforementioned bad cramps), I nearly lost my shit when this creepy guy with ear hair started using words like “speculum.”
8) You won’t have to do the heavy lifting during “the talk.” Dad can explain the birds and the bees while Mom just pokes her head in to impart wisdom about true love and the stork.
So, there’ll be more “Cars” than “Frozen” in my life, more Batman than baby dolls, more Little League games than dance recitals, and considerably less urine directed into the toilet than sprayed everywhere but.
That’s OK. I always figured I was meant to be the mother of boys.
Tracey Schaefer clings to her sanity in the D.C. suburbs while taking care of her husband and two young sons. Find her “Spit Up, Meltdowns and Blowouts” blog on Facebook
As a fellow mom of all males, I think these are totally spot-on! Give me an all-boy brood any day!
Yeah! No girls allowed!!! (Well, except mom.)
Tracey – great to meet you. Dad of three girls here. I made a similar pact with a best friend. But we just vowed to marry different women from “It’s a Living” (I’ll take one Crystal Bernard, please) and live in luxury apartments on the same floor.
My mother also skipped the menstruation talk with me, and it wasn’t until I was dating and closer to 20 than 10 that I learned the difference between a maxi-pad and a tampon. Now, I still struggle between heavy-flow varieties and those with wings and the pros and cons of scented and unscented.
I feel like I have had the worst of both worlds, because I must buy feminine products like a champ and deal with nail polish bottles in the bathroom, but also all the fart jokes and public belching you might not expect from three girls.
Sometimes, though, it feels like the best of both worlds.
Glad Mary featured you here today. I like your style!
Ha! Thanks, Eli! It takes a brave man to buy feminine products 🙂
Seriously, I have to have the mestruation discussion x3. It’s just not fair! And my 10 year old who is already in a size 4.5 shoe is already scouting my shoes and “accidentally” wore my socks the other day. I think it’s true what they say, girls are easier in the beginning, boys better in those older years! Great post!
I’ve heard that, too. With a 3-year-old son who’s getting feistier by the day and pretty much refusing to potty train, those “older years” can’t come soon enough sometimes!
Tracey, you’re HILARIOUS! As a father of 2 boys, this made my day. And your blog is great, too. I can’t wait to read more from you!
Thank you, John! Even if you are my husband 🙂
Great post! I’ve got one of each gender so I get the best (and worst) of both worlds! 😉
Thanks!
Um…am I the only one who thinks this is nuts??
You won’t explain menstruation to your boys…when statistically they are likely to end up with a female significant other. EXPLAIN THAT SHIT! Make sure they understand what is happening and never says “must be PMSing” when they really mean “I disagree with you and it upsets me”.
I have 3 girls – you can be damn sure I’m not paying for 3 weddings. How about you pony up mom-in-law? It’s a cute notion that you’re going to flake out on an event that is about bringing two families *together*…while one family foots the bill!
Being a parent to any sex means you teach them to have care and concern to the opposite sex! The best person to do this for boys is their mom…teach them what kind of qualities they should look for in a young lady (even one who might dress like Jodi Foster – since it’s what’s on the inside that counts!!). How to be a husband to a wife, a father to a daughter…a caring male that doesn’t shy away from doing the same chores as their mother. Hooters? Please…take them to a restaurant that requires utensils and show them how to behave. They might find a girl who likes Hooters and paying for the wedding…but they might also get rejected by all the girls who want an equal partner & isn’t skipping off to the man cave all the time.
Thanks for reading! Have a great day 🙂
I also rolled my eyes at a lot of the sexist commentary in this post including assuming the gyno is a man. However, I’m sure most of this post was written to get a laugh and is probably not, I would like to believe, her actual views on parenting boys…?
I think we can all agree that the days are loooooong gone of the bride’s family paying for the wedding while the in-laws only pay for the rehearsal dinner. That part made me laugh and do a double check on when this was actually written because it’s such an outdated attitude to have. Most people are getting married later in life after college and careers and after living together so it’s kind of silly to think that the bride’s family is the only one paying. How about the married couple pay their portion? We split the wedding bill evenly between 3 parties and then the families opted to pay for extras and this was almost 10 years ago. Anyway, I digress because I’m assuming it was supposed to be funny and tongue and cheek so no reason to get too serious about that.
I do agree w/ talking about menstruation (and everything in between) to some degree w/ your sons. You want them to get married and give you grandchildren to spoil someday right? What if they have daughters of their own someday? I grew up w/a girl who’s mom died when she was about 8 yrs old (pre getting her period) and she didn’t have a close female relative to go over that stuff with her. She said it was an awkward, nightmare of a conversation of totally misinformed facts, wivestales and unintentional hurtful, sexist comments at 12 yrs old that made her feel like her dad just wished she were a boy so HE wouldn’t be uncomfortable during that conversation. As an adult she still struggles with how her dad dealt with all of the “female” stuff when she was growing up and felt that is why she was promiscuous at a younger age than she probably would’ve been because actually talking about it frankly and hearing the truth as opposed to cutesy names for private parts and avoiding what actually happens wasn’t what he was capable of teaching her. Kids deserve to be informed and educated.
We’re almost 8 months pregnant w/ baby #3 and my 3.5 yr old son knows all about the baby growing in the uterus w/ the placenta and umbilical cord, that they come out of the birth canal/vagina (or stomach for mom’s having a c-sect), that our baby will drink milk from mommy’s breast/nipple (or bottle in other families), etc. he watches both Cars and Frozen, he takes a tap/ballet combo class w/ his sister and loves to play soccer, trucks, Legos, wants to be a “fireman astronaut w/butterfly wings” for Halloween and even wore his big sister’s Snow White T-shirt to Disneyland with his camo pants, cape and Thomas the Train shoes when he was just under 2 yrs old. My daughter is into Legos like crazy, she also dances and always wants to race the boys in her swim class because she likes the competition and likes the thrill of winning (anybody and everybody not just the boys) and she even scared a poor boy in her class for life when she picked up a preying mantis she found and let it crawl all around her body/face/head and he went running the other way crying when she asked if he wanted to hold it. She cares more about science, math, animals, motorcycle riding, surfing and nature than princesses, baby dolls, everything pink and being twinzies w/mommy. She also loves a good ” pull my finger” trick from daddy as does my son.
Anyway, my long winded point here (fellow writer) is actually to say that I think placing stereotypes on children of any age based on their gender is setting them up for failure as I’m sure you agree since you were not forced to be a “girly girl” growing up (and I wasn’t actually just trying to brag about my awesome kids which is what we proud moms do best, right?)
Again, I can see that this is supposed to be a funny post (and it is) and you have a very witty writing style. My favorite is “dude maker” and it’s clear that you’re trying to get across that you yourself are a tom boy at heart and were raised to buck social norms when it comes to gender roles – so in that vein I’m sure you’ll allow your boys the same freedom to explore their true identity be it far from the constraints society places on them to be these ultra macho men w/no feelings or emotions who are utterly clueless about anything other than a penis regardless of how your post might read to someone not seeing you’re trying to make a few funny jokes. Because lord knows we don’t need more of “those guys” roaming around mucking up the system.
Oh and before leaving the house my cousin was often asked, “are you going to wear THAT?” HE currently lives in West Hollywood and is performing as a very successful drag queen making bucket loads more money than if he just had a straight, “macho” guy’s job. He’s utterly fabulous honey! His dad thought he’d be his pro football player and was so thankful he had his son to raise like a man’s man. Life never turns out like the parents have in mind but it’s our job to love and support them regardless if they follow social norms or not.
PS if these are your boys in the pic above they are absolutely adorable and precious and the lil guy’s smile totally melted my heart. Preggo ladies are known to have baby fever.
Happy dude raising and happy writing!
As the warden of a sausage factory myself, I love these. Hilarious!
Yes, I’ve had the twinge for a little lady to go get pedicures with (though my sons have both given my heels a try, it doesn’t look like either are going to be very good in them). But just today I was thinking about what a relief it will be to not need to hope for friends to throw wedding/baby showers for my daughters…if they want to for my daughter-in-law, that would just be a nice perk.
Also: not having to do hair every morning. As someone who was regularly burned (on accident, I think), with a curling iron, then given a Dorothy Hamill bowl cut, I’m relieved to not have to worry about bows and braids!
I love this post! (And totally agree that in a LOT of ways having boys IS easier!) But now you have to read the post on my blog about the joys of having (almost) all girls! It is called 11 Reasons Why I Love Being a Mom of GIrls (or somethin’ like that) <3
I didn’t know you wrote something like that, Traci! I will check it out. You came up with 11 reasons and I came up with only 8… 🙂
Sorry to let everyone in on this secret but kids are kids. You were absolutely romanticizing having girls. I have 3 girls and do you know what they were doing at church yesterday? I’ll give you a hint, they weren’t sitting prim and proper in their sunday dresses. They were trying to wrestle each other in the pew. Their favorite parent activity? Not sewing with mom, hunting with dad. lol Just putting it out there that girls aren’t always the mellow little princesses moms of boys like to make them out to be.
Just found out I will be having another boy, thanks for this article, it encourages me that being outnumbered 1 to 3 is survivable lol
As a fellow boymom I can completely relate. Being surrounded by boys really isn’t that bad. 🙂