The Fifty Shades of Grey movie trailer came out yesterday giving fans a little taste of the leather-clad, satin-wrapped, steamy, sexy goodness to which they will be treated this Valentine’s Day. Within minutes of being released, the video was all over the internet. This film might be the biggest thing to hit the mommy market since yoga pants. Ok, that might be taking it a step too far, but suffice it to say that people are excited.
It’s going to be like Magic Mike all over again, but with whips and chains.
I think it’s great that books and movies like Fifty Shades of Grey have given moms something to be excited about besides potty training successes, homework grades, and a day without peanut butter smeared in their hair. Obviously, in an ideal world, moms would have the time and the mental capacity to read quality literature and watch sophisticated foreign films, but have you ever tried to read War and Peace while someone sucked on your boob? Can’t be done.
Of course, I realize this movie is going to receive appallingly bad reviews by any respectable movie critic (particularly male) but it will probably still earn millions of dollars in the box office due to the repeat viewings from the middle aged female market. I’ll be right there will them, because we moms need something fun to look forward to in our lives. Even if it’s smut.
This movie is our Christmas morning, school field trip, sports camp, and slumber party, all rolled into one. In fact, Fifty Shades of Grey is like a trip to Disney Land for moms, and in honor of it being released on Valentine’s Day 2015, I give you:
14 Ways Fifty Shades of Grey is Like a Trip to Disney Land
1. The lines are going to be hours long. Isn’t everything good worth waiting for?
2. There should probably be a warning sign somewhere saying “caution: during some of the rides you may get wet.” Sorry, I couldn’t help it.
3. It’s filled with magical and made-up creatures. Whether it’s a cartoon mouse, a talking car, or a devastatingly handsome, sexually confident, fiercely loyal billionaire, who doesn’t love a fantasy?
4. Everything in it costs a fortune. From the $12 coke you drink while watching the movie, to the homes, cars, helicopters, and clothes worth millions in on the screen, Fifty Shades of Grey rivals the Disney Gifts shops for over-priced merchandise.
5. After you get home you’re going to want to go straight to bed. Only for very very different reasons. Heh.
6. It’s going to show you all the toys you never knew you needed. Every time Disney releases a new movie I’m out like $100 bucks. Now I’m going to have to budget some of that cash for sex toys and satin ties. At least I already have the Ben Wa Balls.
7. It’s July and you’re already planning for February. I remember going to Disney World when I was a kid and I couldn’t sleep for a week leading up to it. I wonder what I’ll do to keep myself occupied during my insomnia this time…
8. Most of the rides will probably make my husband feel sick. He will, of course, miraculously recover when it’s bedtime that night.
9. Everyone knows it’s pandering to and manipulating us on the basest human desires, but we’ll go anyway. I’ve been saying for years that Disney is the evil puppet master of manipulating children into spending their parents’ money. Fifty Shades of Grey was tailor made to appeal to every secret, naughty fantasy women have ever blushed over having. Just like that Lightning McQueen potty seat I swore I’d never buy, this movie will be worth every penny.
10. They both involve elaborate costumes, fantasies, and “the most magical place on Earth.” You thought the most magical place on Earth was Disney Land, didn’t you? Think again. Tell me you didn’t consider turning your spare room into a red room after reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Kinky sex AND no room for the in-laws? No brainer.
11. There should definitely be one of those little signs saying “Must be this tall to ride.” At least people at Disney abide by this rule. You just know some jerk will bring her nine-month-old baby who will cry throughout the entire film. Crying babies don’t turn me on at home, and they’re definitely not going to work in the red room.
12. There comes a point when you know you’re too old for this sh*t, but you just don’t care. Would you go to Disney Land without your kids? I probably would, but hey, I saw the Twilight movies in the cinemas too. Clearly, I have no shame.
13. Everything in it is terribly unhealthy, but you beg for more anyway. In real life, donut burgers and giant lollipops are not nutritious, and codependency is not sexy. However, in real life 28-year-old billionaires don’t date mousy virgins either. Reality sucks. Enjoy the fantasy.
14. Someone always ends up getting punished. Only it’s way more fun in Fifty Shade of Grey than when your sugar-crazed child goes nuts in the hotel lobby and overturns that basket of apples at the front desk.
So there you have it, folks. The nice thing about the mom version of Disney Land is that it’s far less hassle, closer to home, and no one throws up on the tea cups ride.
I’ll see you at the movies!
Will you be there?