The Fifty Shades of Grey movie trailer came out yesterday giving fans a little taste of the leather-clad, satin-wrapped, steamy, sexy goodness to which they will be treated this Valentine’s Day. Within minutes of being released, the video was all over the internet. This film might be the biggest thing to hit the mommy market since yoga pants. Ok, that might be taking it a step too far, but suffice it to say that people are excited.
It’s going to be like Magic Mike all over again, but with whips and chains.
I think it’s great that books and movies like Fifty Shades of Grey have given moms something to be excited about besides potty training successes, homework grades, and a day without peanut butter smeared in their hair. Obviously, in an ideal world, moms would have the time and the mental capacity to read quality literature and watch sophisticated foreign films, but have you ever tried to read War and Peace while someone sucked on your boob? Can’t be done.
Of course, I realize this movie is going to receive appallingly bad reviews by any respectable movie critic (particularly male) but it will probably still earn millions of dollars in the box office due to the repeat viewings from the middle aged female market. I’ll be right there will them, because we moms need something fun to look forward to in our lives. Even if it’s smut.
This movie is our Christmas morning, school field trip, sports camp, and slumber party, all rolled into one. In fact, Fifty Shades of Grey is like a trip to Disney Land for moms, and in honor of it being released on Valentine’s Day 2015, I give you:
14 Ways Fifty Shades of Grey is Like a Trip to Disney Land
1. The lines are going to be hours long. Isn’t everything good worth waiting for?
2. There should probably be a warning sign somewhere saying “caution: during some of the rides you may get wet.” Sorry, I couldn’t help it.
3. It’s filled with magical and made-up creatures. Whether it’s a cartoon mouse, a talking car, or a devastatingly handsome, sexually confident, fiercely loyal billionaire, who doesn’t love a fantasy?
4. Everything in it costs a fortune. From the $12 coke you drink while watching the movie, to the homes, cars, helicopters, and clothes worth millions in on the screen, Fifty Shades of Grey rivals the Disney Gifts shops for over-priced merchandise.
5. After you get home you’re going to want to go straight to bed. Only for very very different reasons. Heh.
6. It’s going to show you all the toys you never knew you needed. Every time Disney releases a new movie I’m out like $100 bucks. Now I’m going to have to budget some of that cash for sex toys and satin ties. At least I already have the Ben Wa Balls.
7. It’s July and you’re already planning for February. I remember going to Disney World when I was a kid and I couldn’t sleep for a week leading up to it. I wonder what I’ll do to keep myself occupied during my insomnia this time…
8. Most of the rides will probably make my husband feel sick. He will, of course, miraculously recover when it’s bedtime that night.
9. Everyone knows it’s pandering to and manipulating us on the basest human desires, but we’ll go anyway. I’ve been saying for years that Disney is the evil puppet master of manipulating children into spending their parents’ money. Fifty Shades of Grey was tailor made to appeal to every secret, naughty fantasy women have ever blushed over having. Just like that Lightning McQueen potty seat I swore I’d never buy, this movie will be worth every penny.
10. They both involve elaborate costumes, fantasies, and “the most magical place on Earth.” You thought the most magical place on Earth was Disney Land, didn’t you? Think again. Tell me you didn’t consider turning your spare room into a red room after reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Kinky sex AND no room for the in-laws? No brainer.
11. There should definitely be one of those little signs saying “Must be this tall to ride.” At least people at Disney abide by this rule. You just know some jerk will bring her nine-month-old baby who will cry throughout the entire film. Crying babies don’t turn me on at home, and they’re definitely not going to work in the red room.
12. There comes a point when you know you’re too old for this sh*t, but you just don’t care. Would you go to Disney Land without your kids? I probably would, but hey, I saw the Twilight movies in the cinemas too. Clearly, I have no shame.
13. Everything in it is terribly unhealthy, but you beg for more anyway. In real life, donut burgers and giant lollipops are not nutritious, and codependency is not sexy. However, in real life 28-year-old billionaires don’t date mousy virgins either. Reality sucks. Enjoy the fantasy.
14. Someone always ends up getting punished. Only it’s way more fun in Fifty Shade of Grey than when your sugar-crazed child goes nuts in the hotel lobby and overturns that basket of apples at the front desk.
So there you have it, folks. The nice thing about the mom version of Disney Land is that it’s far less hassle, closer to home, and no one throws up on the tea cups ride.
I’ll see you at the movies!
Will you be there?
Honestly, after reading the books, I’d rather go to Disneyland with 30 toddlers. On a positive note though, the movie can’t possibly be worse than the books… can it?
Funny post 🙂
LOL. You hit every one.
Oh heck yes, I’ll be there! The question is: can I convince my hubby to go with me???
I’m already planning how my day will go, drop kids off at school, go stand in line! Not sure is the husband will go though.
As a member of the REAL BDSM community I loathe this book and am hopeful the movie doesn’t do more to perpetuate my loathing. That being said, of all of the things I’ve read in the last 48 hours since the trailer hit the net, your blog is perhaps the funniest and most dead on assessment of this film.
I will definitely be there, no doubt about it!!!
I love your comparison between Disney and Fifty Shades of Gray. You are so right on! Lmao….
I divorced almost 2 years ago so I NEED to see this movie…many times over (if you know what I mean, lol)
LOL! You forgot “this ride is going to hurt tomorrow, but I’m going to do it anyway.” The spanking may be fun at first, but it will leave bruises…I always feel that way the day after a roller coaster. I’m too damn old for this shit.
Omg… PLEASE ladies, you need to get out more. I can’t believe 1) that people actually paid to read this drivel, and 2) that they will pay again to see the movie. Dude… You can buy Hustler at the local stripmall cigarette store, can’t you? And surely there’s better porn out there??
You want decent erotica? Pick up Anne Rice. Seriously, I’m no prude, but for godsakes have some pride and read something that doesn’t make you want to scratch your own eyes out the 39th time a 20-something year old virgin (!!!) bites her lip like a freaking nervous 12yo. Preferably something written by someone with a basic grasp of grammar…
Yes, I read all 3 books. I kept thinking, it’s GOT to get better, right?? (first time, EVER, that I’ve regretted the time lost to reading. EVER. and I read a lot.)
And yes, I do, occasionally, read erotica. Better erotica. Because… damn, girl.
Seriously. You’re reading a crappy Twilight rip off. You’re eating gum off the bottom of the desk when the tantalizing aroma of a full steak dinner is wafting from your local library’s shelves.
Get a grip, ladies. Please. For the love of sanity. I know having kids is tough but it shouldn’t remove every last shred of our dignity!
#endrant
PS That’s about 50% sarcasm. If you want to waste your night out sans littles, and the cash you’ve managed to keep your kids from conning you into spending on another cartfull of plastic toys from target on that movie, by all means, be my guest. Just don’t expect me to respect you in the morning.
Hahaha! Reason #2 is hilarious and the whole list is so true!
I have watched the trailer more than a handful of times and I am very much going to enjoy this movie just like I enjoyed the books 🙂 And yes, I have read other erotica.
I love the 14 points, first off. Nailed it. Think I’ll wait for the DVD though.
I couldn’t figure out though why these books got so much hype. They weren’t totally bad, in that they were easy to read, but they weren’t great either. I have other authors I read who are much more raunchy, with great stories and plot lines, and well-written. Just look at JR Ward for one.
Having had an ex-husband who was into the BDSM in the bedroom, not the whole lifestyle, the books were very tame. The portrayal of that aspect seemed almost amateurish. The raciest thing about the books was the contract, which then, really wasn’t delivered upon.
I haven’t read the book- so if anyone wants to convince me why I should please do 🙂 I don’t normally go for what is trendy but I did read the Twilight books and liked them. My daughter even read 50 Shades of Grey and I think the book is downstairs among all her stuff if I want to dig it out. I don’t know… bondage just isn’t my thing. Is that what most women fantasize about? But I do think anything that encourages women to feel more empowered about their sexuality is a good thing, so I’m not criticizing it.
The books were pretty awful especially considering the hype. However, I read them and I will more than likely see the movie. I won’t stand in line to see it, I’ll fork out my dollar and rent it from Redbox to see it on DVD when it comes out. Who knows, it might be better than the books (has to be!!) and could prove to be…..useful.
I was a lot more excited about it when I thought Charlie Hunnam would be playing the part of Christian Grey…now I’m just curious.
I will own up to never having read this book because I am an insufferable snob (who also binge watches Hoarders). That said, I still spit out my coffee when I read #2. Hilarious!
Hilarious! I read the books to try to figure out what the fuss was about. No they’re not great art and there is better stuff out there. Also much worse. My take: it’s because he encourages her to eat. I know that’s my greatest fantasy!
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