Every once in a while I like to browse through the search engine hits that have led people to my blog in the past. Inevitably, there are one or two that are good for a laugh or a head-scratch, like the time somebody clicked on my blog from the search “fated moustache male nude photos”. I’m not even sure what that phrase means, let alone why someone would be searching for it or which of my posts google would deem worthy of such a prestigious search phrase. Even more mind-boggling is the fact that not one, not two, but three people have typed that exact phrase into google and ended up viewing my blog. Or maybe it was the same person three separate times. I’m not sure which would be more disturbing.
However, lately I’ve noticed a rather disturbing trend appearing in my search engine output: boobs. People are stumbling upon my blog every day while searching the internet for boobs. Honestly, I didn’t even know people searched the internet for boobs anymore. That is so 1999. I naturally assumed that the majority of my viewer base is female, but given these statistics I’m starting to wonder if I might be under estimating my pull with the 13-18 year old boy market.
So far, my most highly viewed blog post is called My Boobs Are Full of Surprises. It has been viewed nearly ten times more than most of my other posts. Why? Well, maybe it was funnier than my other attempts at humor and satire. Or maybe people just like boobs. I’m leaning toward the latter, and here’s why:
Top 10 Search Engine Hits Leading Viewers to Outmanned
1. Boobs out – More than 100 people have found my blog using these eloquent and descriptive words. I’ve never been so proud in all my life.
2. Boobsout – 10 viewers were too impatient even to type the spacebar. I can only imagine their frustration of having to hit the back button once they realized they’d found a mommy blog.
3. Full boobs – 8 viewers decided that not just any boobs will do. My bra is definitely full (of food, toys, crumbs, and the occasional spider). I wonder if that counts?
4. Caught with boobs out – Well, I’m guessing these 8 people didn’t mean while breastfeeding on the airplane, but they should have been more specific.
5. Outmanned nudist – Who told?!?
6. Caught naked in changing room – It seems people on the internet like the element of surprise. Unfortunately, I know the exact post to which this was referring.
7. Weirdest boobs – Five people out there now think that I have the world’s weirdest boobs. They may be a little lopsided, but weird seems a bit harsh.
8. Moms doing boys – Three people out there have thoroughly creeped me out. Thanks for that.
9. Mommy I pooped – Only two people have found my blog using these words. I’ve actually been pooped ON more times than that. I feel I’m missing a trick here.
10. Shirt filled with boobies – For some reason all I picture in my head when I read these words is a giant t-shirt filled with Blue Footed Booby birds. This is a perfect example of why these two people were sorely disappointed when they found me. Sorry dudes.
I’ve been seriously considering monetizing the blog lately, which would mean writing the occasional sponsored post and selling advertising space. I figure I’m spending most of my time advertising myself and my writing, so I might as well have someone else paying me to do it. Unfortunately most of these advertisers give you pennies for every person who clicks on their add, so you have to become very good at anticipating your reader’s interests and needs before targeting your advertising.
My first reaction when organizing the list of search engine hits for my blog was Boy, were these people disappointed when they ended up on my blog!
I could just imagine the poor creatures, huddled in their mothers’ basements, lights dimmed, hearts racing, and frantically searching the internet for the “weirdest boobs”. You know, as you do. Their faces would light up when they found an article titled The Weirdest Places I’ve Had My Boobs Out In 2013. How their faces must have fallen when they realized they had unknowingly wandered into a post about breast feeding.
Then I started thinking, what if I gave them EXACTLY what they wanted?
What if instead of advertising reusable diapers and nipple cream (and boy could I write a killer post for Lansinoh) I posted links to booby ogling websites and soft-core porn? Just think of the revenue I could make by pointing these impatient, disappointed young men in the right direction. Finally, my boobs could start earning their keep. For years I’ve been dragging around their dead weight, straining my back, and distracting the otherwise chaste men of the world. Sure, they’ve nourished and comforted my babies, but let’s face it, Mommy needs hard cash.
After all, it’s every blogger’s goal to find their niche and set themselves apart from the rest: that little something special that draws readers to them. Apparently I have two special somethings and they might go viral someday.
I guess it could be worse.
Hey, did you know Outmanned has been nominated for a Badass Blogger Award from the incredibly cool women’s magazine The Indie Chicks? Click the image below to vote for me for Blogger of the Year!