Have you ever looked at your baby and wondered what thoughts were going through his head as he ate dirt or played with the contents of his diaper? Well, me too. In fact, I wondered what would happen if my 11 month old had a blog. I’m pretty sure it would go something like this:
5:30am – Mommy wakes me from a very deep sleep. I am not impressed. At first I try desperately to roll away from her and go back to sleep, but when she makes it clear she isn’t going to allow me to ignore her I decide on a different tact: If I can’t sleep then neither will anyone else. I screech loudly. Mommy has the nerve to point out that this is how she feels every time I wake her up in the middle of the night. I quit crying because I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of being right.
6:00am – We are waiting for the shuttle to the airport. I have no idea what that means, but Mommy has packed suitcases so I’m assuming we are going somewhere new. I decide to leave a strategically placed trail of Kix cereal and banana mush so I can find my way back home if I need to. It looks like somebody may have had the same idea because I just found some old Fruit Loops in the crack of the sofa. Score!
7:00am- For a moment it looks we’re going to a playground because we stop, Mommy takes me out of the stroller, and everyone takes off their shoes. We walk through a funny looking doorway surrounded by flat slides leading into little tunnels. I can’t figure out why everyone is putting their bags on the slide though instead of riding. Maybe they’re just testing them out. Sometimes I like to throw wood chippings down the slide by our house before I slide down too. But before I have a chance to find out, Mommy whisks me back into the stroller and we’re on the move again.
7:15am- There are a lot of people around right now, but none of them are looking at me. Some of them are talking on their phones and some are trying to sleep in their chairs. This is unacceptable. I locate a piece of slightly chewed banana under my leg in the stroller and toss it at the nearest person. It bounces off his shoe, leaving a white smear on its way, and lands on the ground in front of him. Mommy must really like his shoes because she keeps apologizing about the mess. It’s only banana. I’d be happy to lick it off for him if I weren’t strapped into my stroller.
8:30am- Once on the plane, Mommy brings out more food in an attempt to distract me from boredom. I’m not hungry, but I’m happy to whip grapes into the seat in front of me. Mommy takes the grapes away and pulls out a granola bar for my brother. Suddenly I’m starving! I want that granola bar. I NEED that granola bar. I don’t even know what granola bars are, but I’ve never wanted anything so badly in my life. I let out a shriek, and to my surprise, Mommy gives in right away. This is new. Seemingly on airplanes shrieking is like magic. I make a mental note for later. I examine the chunk of sticky oats and raisins. Suddenly it doesn’t look so delicious. I lick it and quickly deposit it on the floor. I’m not sure what I was thinking. I’m not really hungry anyway. Oooh, wait. Bagels!
10:30am – I’ve grown bored of sitting on Mommy’s lap so I clamber over to my brother’s seat to look out the tiny window on the other side of him. As soon he leans forward to look I seize the shade and close it right on his head. The joke’s on me though because my fingers get stuck. I can actually hear the other passengers sigh collectively as I start screaming again. Mommy quickly opens the shade and rescues my fingers. Air travel is kind of dangerous. Maybe the floor would be safer.
11:00am – How did I not think to play on the floor until now? This is great. I’ve managed to unzip mommy’s purse and am now in the process of transporting her valuables into one of the seat-back pockets. I wonder if she’ll find them. I also hide her chap stick in a bag I found under my brother’s seat. It belongs to the cranky man in the row behind us. He didn’t even crack a smile when I stuck my face up over the back of my brother’s seat, Kilroy-style. Maybe his lips are really dry. Hopefully this helps.
12:30pm – I’ve reached the end of my patience. I can’t sit still for another second. Mommy holds me while I jump up and down furiously in her lap. Now just keep that up until we land. No? Really? Sigh. I notice a lady standing up a few rows in front of us. She laughs as I roll my eyes at Mommy. Finally, a captive audience. I consider all my best moves: the shy smile, the cheeky grin, the cute baby babbling. I know. Watch me blow bubbles…through my nose!
1:00pm – To my horror we get straight off the plane and into a car. You must be kidding me! Just as we pull out of the parking lot and onto the freeway I do the biggest poop I’ve ever done in my life. It turns out, raisins that you find on the floor of the airplane are probably not so good to eat. Lesson learned. I’m suddenly overcome with tiredness and before Mommy can find a place to pull over to change my diaper, I fall asleep.
3:00pm – I’m jolted awake by Mommy pulling me from my car seat and telling me we’ve arrived. I do not like this turn of events where Mommy interrupts my sleep. I’ve had a taste of my own medicine and it is bitter. She tells me I need to have my diaper changed. Yeah, that’s been in there a while. I can tell because it’s starting to creep up my back. And it’s getting cold. My brother is complaining about how he’s had to smell my poop the entire drive. Ha ha. Suckers!
3:15pm – There is another baby in this strange house competing for my Mommy’s affection. First chance I get I bulldoze him like a linebacker and then drool on his face. I find it’s always best to assert your dominance over other children early in the relationship. Just to be safe, I head-butt the cat too. I don’t want him getting any ideas. For some reason, Mommy decides it’s time for me to take a nap. The other baby grins up at me from the flat of his back. You may have won this round, new kid. But I’ll be back!
6:00pm – The day’s travels have finally taken their toll on me and I nearly fall asleep during dinner. Mommy tries to keep me up until my usual bed time, but I can barely keep my eyes open. Eventually she gives up and puts me straight to bed without a bath. At least some good has come from my harrowing travel experience. Thanks to my new early bed time I can wake up bright and early at 5:00am tomorrow. Maybe vacation is going to be fun after all.
If you enjoyed Diary of an 11 month old, check out the other installations in my Diary of a Baby series: