Parenting is hard.
Sleep becomes one of those mythical creatures that eludes you day after day, like unicorns, a clean house, or multiple orgasms. Your social life has been buried for so long that you’ve forgotten what it looked like.
On the other hand, motherhood is not without its perks. Here are 16 iconic movie quotes parents get to use every day. Without a hint of irony.
1. I’m ok. It’s not my blood. (Die Hard With A Vengeance) …or snot, or tears, or banana mush, for that matter. My son gets occasional nosebleeds and after cleaning him up I often look like I’ve just murdered someone.
2. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. (Gone With The Wind). The beauty of being the mom is I don’t have to pretend to care about their side of the argument. I told him not to use his brother as a human shield, he did it anyway, and that’s all I need to know. I’m not interested in his motives.
3. Fasten your seatbelts it’s gonna be a bumpy night. (All About Eve) My husband and I repeated this phrase to each other the night we sleep trained our first son. Fortunately he screamed like a banshee for 20 minutes and then gave up and went to sleep. But for a while there we were bracing ourselves for the worst.
4. I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. (The Godfather) Have you ever tried to get antibiotics into an angry three year old? Sometimes they just need a little extra incentive.
5. Go ahead, make my day. (Sudden Impact) I’ve growled this warning to my three year old many times as he stared defiantly back at me, on his tip-toes, leaning over the fish tank with my car keys balancing on one finger. It’s your move, punk!
6. I believe what we have here is a failure to communicate. (Cool Hand Luke) Screaming, shrieking, pounding the floor, licking my face, and biting my hair do not count as communication.
7. Hey, Are you talking to me? (Taxi Driver) Who hasn’t asked this question, genuinely shocked, when your toddler first gives you sass? My three year old tried to send me to time out the other day. Who does he think he’s dealing with?
8. Love means never having to say you’re sorry. (Love Story) Oh, who am I kidding? They’ll say they’re sorry and they had better mean it!
9. I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore! (Network) Raising kids is a bit like carefully averting a prison riot…every day. Sometimes Mommy reaches her limit, and when she does, watch out! I actually cried at my kids the other day in the bathroom for them to STOP TOUCHING ME! Seriously. Real tears and everything.
10. I’m walking here! I’m walking here! (Midnight Cowboy) I can’t remember the last time I cooked dinner without a possum-like creature attached to my leg, another one driving cars across the kitchen floor, and two dogs sniffing around for scraps as if they haven’t eaten in weeks.
11. You can’t handle the truth. (A Few Good Men) Where do babies come from? Babies R Us. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
12. Round up the usual suspects. (The Usual Suspects) So far I haven’t had the pleasure of uttering these iconic words, but it’s only a matter of time in a house full of boys. I can’t hardly wait.
13. I’ll be back. (The Terminator) I use these words at least three times a day. My son will sit in the bathroom with his ipad for hours if I let him. Apparently he has the bladder of a 90 year old man, because every time I come in he claims he’s not done. So I warn him, Five more minutes and then whatever’s coming out better be out.
14. There’s no crying in baseball. (A League of Their Own)…this also goes for cooking, cleaning, brushing your teeth, and standing completely still in the middle of the room. Thanks.
15. Tell me what you’ve been doing, busy little bee. (Gladiator) Let’s face it. Sometimes you know they’ve been up to no good. And when they smile up at you with the sweetest grin…that’s when you need to start searching the house for poop.
16. A boy’s best friend is his mother. (Psycho) Oh come on, we’ve all thought it!
I may not have seen a non-animated movie in years, but every day I get to be the evil tyrant, the action hero, or the mob boss whenever I want. And I do it in style.