When I was in college I never went anywhere for Spring Break. I went to school in St Louis, Missouri which meant I was at least an expensive plane ticket way from anywhere warm. Getting drunk and naked in Chicago…in March, just didn’t have the same appeal. So I stayed home, watched tv, and secretly judged everyone else who escaped to Mexico, California, or Florida. It was wonderful practice for motherhood when I would sit at home, watch tv after the kids went to bed, and secretly judge everyone who got a babysitter. Insert Elton John singing The Circle of Life here.
Although my first-hand experience of Spring Break is lacking, I am one of the foremost experts on toddlers. From what I can tell college students on Spring Break are actually enormous toddlers with fake i.d.s and no chaperones. Living in one of the towns that gets over run every spring by drunken twenty somethings is a lot like throwing a child’s birthday party. You know hoards of sugar-infused toddlers are coming. You invited them. However, you also know you’re going to be in Hell from the moment they arrive until the moment they leave what’s left of your once beautiful home.
Every year I hear about some college student that gets drunk and falls out a window…into a pool…filled with jello. It gets more and more elaborate with every report. This morning as I sat at the breakfast table, sipping my tea and checking my emails, I heard a loud thump. My three year old was laying on the floor, with his bowl of cheerios upside down on his chest, giggling maniacally as the dogs slurped the soggy cereal off his shirt. He just fell out of his chair. For absolutely no reason. Suddenly a thought occurred to me: Are Spring Breakers simply giant toddlers? So, of course, I made a list. I think I might be on to something.
Six Reasons Why Spring Breakers Are Like Toddlers
1. If given half a chance they will overindulge to the point of vomiting – I once watched in horror as my three year old, in a blind panic that he might have to share with a friend, cram approximately 53 goldfish crackers in his mouth in under 30 seconds. Of course, he choked and ended up depositing a baseball sized lump of partially-chewed cheddar mush in my lap as I smacked him on the back repeatedly.
2. The later it gets in the day the less likely they are to be wearing pants – This also goes for shirts, shoes, and underwear, but not necessarily in that order. I’ve found my three year old stomping around the house wearing nothing but a straw hat and galoshes before. I’m pretty sure I saw that exact fashion statement on MTV Spring Break one year.
3. They are sticky and/or wet all the time for apparently no reason – Do sexy beach babes just sweat a lot? Even when they are nowhere near the water their hair is always wet. Is there someone on retainer whose job it is to hose them down every hour? If so, can I hire him to spray my kids too? This afternoon my son came up to me, with a big scowl on his face, and said “Mommy, I need a new shirt. This one is all wet.” He had been watching television in the living room. No water to speak of. “How did you get wet?” I asked, genuinely confused. “I was chewing on it.” Oh. Obviously.
4. When they vacate your establishment it looks like a tornado blew through – This is another hallmark toddler skill. I can clean the entire house, top to bottom, and yet in the time it takes me to run their evening bath they can make a bigger mess than was there before I cleaned. I know they didn’t have time to actually play with all those toys. Unless they were playing bomb or hurricane. I’ve seen the streets of New Orleans after Mardi Gras and Tijuana after Spring Break. They look exactly like my living room at the end of a long day. Ok, maybe Tijuana always looks like that. I can’t be sure.
5. They are obsessed with boobies and butts – Without even thinking, my three year old will reach over and grab my boob. Not for any reason. Just because it’s there and he’s bored. I keep trying to explain to him that at some point in his life that will become unacceptable behavior. Then I turn on the tv and realize that’s what Spring Break is all about: boobies. Bikini contest? One hundred percent about boobies. Wet t-shirt contest? Wet boobies. MTV Spring Break? Skanky boobies.
6. If one of them misbehaves they all join in – Herd mentality is strongest in young children and drunk college girls. I have absolutely no scientific evidence for this, but there is simply no other explanation for Jello wrestling, mud eating, binge drinking, or stairs sledding. Without peer pressure none of these things would exist. At least the toddlers are only guilty of two of these lapses in judgement.
Every one of these is true.
I wore a thong spring break of my freshman year. I told everyone it was because I wanted to get my butt tanned. (I just wanted to show off my butt.) I entered a “hot body” contest and won second place – $150 – and treated all my friends to a hotel room. I don’t know where we were planning on sleeping before that… :-/
Ha ha. I’m impressed. I’ve never paid for anything with my ass before 😉
So funny! I like the one about the pants especially. 🙂
Teehee. Thanks.
So funny! I like the one about the pants especially. 🙂
Teehee. Thanks.
April of this year, I hit my two year sobriety mark. Consequently, that’s also the same time I stopped being a year round spring breaker. Although, I do tend to still fall off things, over things, and because of things, for absolutely no reason at all.
Congratulations on your (almost!) two year mark! That’s awesome. Just pretend you’re falling off/over/into/because of things for comic value 😉 It worked for Dick VanDyke.
Two years! That is fantastic. Congratulations.
April of this year, I hit my two year sobriety mark. Consequently, that’s also the same time I stopped being a year round spring breaker. Although, I do tend to still fall off things, over things, and because of things, for absolutely no reason at all.
Congratulations on your (almost!) two year mark! That’s awesome. Just pretend you’re falling off/over/into/because of things for comic value 😉 It worked for Dick VanDyke.
Two years! That is fantastic. Congratulations.
WTF!? You’re just stumping me on comment replies today! I totally have nothing again. I’m gonna go fall down now.
I think you are definitely on to something. For further research your sponsor has decided to send you a plane ticket to the destination of your choice. You are welcome 🙂
I think you are definitely on to something. For further research your sponsor has decided to send you a plane ticket to the destination of your choice. You are welcome 🙂
Hilarious! I live in a college town, so we get giant toddlers eight months of the year.
Me too. I just avoid campus town like the plague 😛
Hilarious! I live in a college town, so we get giant toddlers eight months of the year.
Me too. I just avoid campus town like the plague 😛
Nice list! While I’ve never been anywhere on Spring Break myself, I have in fact been to a couple parties where pants began to disappear as the night wore on, much to my horror! That was a good one.
Ha ha. Yeah, I remember those parties…sort of. Anyway, thanks for reading 🙂
Nice list! While I’ve never been anywhere on Spring Break myself, I have in fact been to a couple parties where pants began to disappear as the night wore on, much to my horror! That was a good one.
Ha ha. Yeah, I remember those parties…sort of. Anyway, thanks for reading 🙂
It’s all true, sadly. My son is a senior in college and I have observed that college is like the Wild West without a sheriff. The things he tells me that go on are shocking. He, of course, is not involved in any of those coed shenanigans!
Ha ha ha. Of course he isn’t!
I love this one, very creative!!!!! And true!
I love this one, very creative!!!!! And true!
This is so hilarious! They are obsessed with boobies and butts. I will never look at a toddler the same again. How fun it must be to be a toddler. 🙂 New follower here!
Aww, thanks! I often think it looks pretty nice being a toddler, but they seem to think it’s a rough gig.
This is so hilarious! They are obsessed with boobies and butts. I will never look at a toddler the same again. How fun it must be to be a toddler. 🙂 New follower here!
I was one of those deprived college students who never experienced spring break either. I used the opportunity to get a full week of work in to pay for my next semester of classes. I too have former experience with toddlers, and I’m pretty certain, judging from some of the stories I heard from friends about their spring break in Ft. Lauderdale, that your comparison is spot on! Very cute post!
I was one of those deprived college students who never experienced spring break either. I used the opportunity to get a full week of work in to pay for my next semester of classes. I too have former experience with toddlers, and I’m pretty certain, judging from some of the stories I heard from friends about their spring break in Ft. Lauderdale, that your comparison is spot on! Very cute post!
Herd mentality lol I witnessed spring break once; we visited my dad in Florida and got stuck in a street party on the drive home from the airport…it was messy… there were drunks everywhere, bikinis in place of clothes (even after dark) and police choosing to use their loudspeakers and sirens to herd them to safety lol
Yeah, it’s pretty amazing. Although, I’ve seen the brits after a football game… 😉
Herd mentality lol I witnessed spring break once; we visited my dad in Florida and got stuck in a street party on the drive home from the airport…it was messy… there were drunks everywhere, bikinis in place of clothes (even after dark) and police choosing to use their loudspeakers and sirens to herd them to safety lol
Yeah, it’s pretty amazing. Although, I’ve seen the brits after a football game… 😉
I read your blog for the first time tonight. You are hilarious! I’ve often had the same thoughts about toddlers and teenagers. My son is now 26 years old and is just starting to share some of the things he’s done as a teen that made me cringe. Some of his college antics make me glad that I pray for him. I think that’s the only way he is surviving his stupidity.
This is absolutely hilarious – and SPOT ON. My days of mothering toddlers is behind me (youngest is now 12), but boy it took me right back: both to being a mom to toddlers AND to my spring break antics. 🙂
Bwhahahaha! This is hilarious and oh so true! Great piece! <3