Ever since 50 Shades of Grey took the stay at home mom market by the nipple clamps, Ben Wa balls have started popping up (hopefully not out!) everywhere. As an over-worked, under-rested, I-can’t-remember-the-last-time-I-had-sex mother of two, I naturally assumed that I had about as much use for a pair of Ben Wa balls as I did an alarm clock or a bathroom door.
Surely, sex toys were for energetic sex-nymphs with delicate vaginas. Mine is gnarled and scarred like a war veteran. She is hard as nails. Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for my vagina, but my overwhelming thought while reading 50 Shades was “Oh honey, my vagina could eat you for breakfast”.
What use did I have for Ben Wa balls?
It turns out Ben Wa balls offer more than a smutty story to tell your friends. The muscles used to hold the marble-sized steel balls in your vagina are the same muscles responsible for stopping urinary incontinence. You know, the ones your baby shredded like confetti on his way out of the birth canal? Squeezing the balls for 15 minutes every day can increase sexual arousal and satisfaction while also reducing the need to change your underwear every time you sneeze, jump, run, laugh, or make sudden movements.
It’s vaginal multitasking. I was sold!
I bought a pair online and when the kids went to bed that night I popped in the little silver miracle-workers. I waited curiously for the sexy, tingly feelings to start, but I guess my vagina was too jaded for such frivolous shenanigans. Oh well.
As I tentatively started my evening chores I began to suspect that my haggard vagina was some sort of Ben Wa prodigy. Fifteen minutes? Ha. I could go all night.
Until exactly 1 minute and 48 seconds later when the first ball escaped. I felt it start to move as my pelvic muscles gave up faster than a dieter in a Twinkie factory, but was powerless to stop it. I quickly shoved it back into place. Two minutes later it shot out again. This time I caught it between my thighs as it hurtled toward the ground. As I stood there, knock-kneed, I was grateful I hadn’t attempted this while anyone else was around.
By the eighth minute I was literally holding the balls in place with my finger, like plugging a dam. After 10 minutes I called it a day. I had no trouble retrieving the first ball. I simply moved my hand and it came flying out, but the second one had lodged itself up in my who-knows-where and I had to send in a search party. This was going to be harder than I thought, and way less sexy.
I’m not sure if it’s physically possible, but my vagina felt tired. I’d done 5 minutes of yoga the other morning and could barely walk. I hoped my vagina wouldn’t be as stiff the next day.
I dutifully inserted the balls every night. By the third night I’d reached a new personal best of 3 minutes. I would have made it longer if the dogs hadn’t barked. Apparently shouting at dogs while holding in Ben Wa balls results in something like a blow gun. Those suckers clanked so loudly on the floor they scared the dogs into silence. Handy new training technique? I filed it away for further consideration.
After one week I was able to squeeze the balls for a full fifteen minutes with only one or two slips. I’d also perfected an expulsion technique so I was no longer having to fish the second ball out of the vacuous abyss that is my lady parts. Vaginas learn fast. I wish the rest of me whipped into shape that quickly.
I could once again sneeze with impunity, as long as I was careful to stop walking and think “tight” thoughts immediately before. It was a small, but important victory.
So should you ever run into me in the check out line at Target and notice an odd, constipated look on my face, don’t be offended. I’m not unhappy to see you. I’m just squeezing my balls even tighter.
Trust me, it’s a compliment of the highest magnitude.