I find that being a mom is a little bit like having multiple personality disorder. You are expected to be so many things for so many people, all at the same time. If the three year old insists one more time that I pretend to be a pteranodon while I’m trying to cook dinner, and check my Twitter feed, and hold the baby, I’m going to lose my mind. Sometimes it gets crowded in my head with all the personalities competing for control. Sometimes it gets ugly. As in any large gathering of people, some of my personalities get along with the group better than others. Then there are those who tend to hang out in the corner, chain smoking, wondering where it all went wrong.
Sometimes I like to imagine my various personas as part of a terrible sitcom where the entire cast looks exactly like me, but each personality would wear different clothes and hats to distinguish themselves from the crowd. It’s like Being John Malcovich, but with more poopy diapers and no one gets any sleep. They would all have to live together in a small apartment inside my head. Tensions would fly, personalities would clash, tears would be shed by more than just the baby, but they would always come together in the end for the sake of their children. It’s The Read World: Mommy Edition. It would be called The Hats I Wear.
Disappointed that this wonderful show airs only in my mind? Well, not anymore. Below is a description of the motley crew of personalities occupying my body and a short story about each one. Now you can play to. All aboard the crazy train.
1. The Wife: As your would expect, The Wife is always wearing her wedding dress and veil. She is sweet, naive, and idealistic. She believes in true love, soul mates, and happily ever after. She has never changed a diaper in her life and prefers to sleep a leisurely 9 hours at night. She is in for quite a shock the first time the baby projectile poops all over her lovely white frock. Valentine’s Day is her favorite holiday and she is in charge of all anniversary gifts and mixed cds.
She thinks she is an independent, tough, woman of the world who looks like this (photo source):
But really she looks like this (photo source):
2. The Sex Kitten: Kitty, for short, is a sophisticated and liberated woman who is not afraid to use her sexuality to get ahead in life. She knows exactly what men want and exactly how close she has to get to giving it to them before they melt in her finely manicured hands. She is powerful and in control of her own body, but knows when to roll over and purr. She loves being the center of attention and believes that she will never find any greater love in her life than herself, but she sure likes looking. She is usually scantily dressed, all in black, wearing a man’s bowler hat, tipped intentionally to one side. Her favorite book and movie are The Unbearable Lightness of Being (photo source).
3. The Maid: The Maid is a no nonsense kind of gal. She probably suffers from a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder, but it makes her extremely good at her job. She dresses conservatively and traditionally in a plain black dress with a white apron and hat. Everything is always perfectly pressed, but even she can sometimes be found with peanut butter handprints plastered to the back of her dress. She takes pride in the order of her house, and can’t for the life of her figure out why the children are always sticky. She is the last one to sit down to rest after a long day because she just can’t relax if there is a single sock out of place. She has little interest in socializing with the other personalities and finds them largely irritating and lazy. She often chides them for not picking up after themselves, but secretly she enjoys playing the martyr. However, if she finds pee on the toilet seat in the middle of the night one more time she’s going to start cracking skulls (photo source).
4. The Chef: Like The Maid, The Chef is all about love through food. Her favorite movie is Chocolat, and she really believes that the way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach. Her true passion lies in the creating of elaborate and creative meals for her family. She loves a good party, as long as she can design a themed menu around it. She would love to socialize with the other personalities, but is often stuck behind the scenes, slaving away while the others play. She is deeply creative and can find beauty in things where other people would never look, like meatloaf. She’s thoughtful and kind and always the first one to turn up with a welcome basket when newcomers arrive in the neighborhood. She enjoys her feminine side and can usually be found wearing a pink chef’s hat. Her ultimate goal in life is to be Martha Stewart, and she makes a mean car-shaped birthday cake (photo source).
5. The Playmate: Fun and energetic, The Playmate is the life of every party. She loves company and is usually up for anything, as long as everyone is having a good time. She smiles a lot and loves being around the children. Considering how active she is, The Playmate requires very little sleep. She wakes up refreshed and ready to greet each day with a smile. She never drinks coffee, only herbal tea. When she needs a little pick me up, she goes for a jog or treats herself to cupcake courtesy of her best friend, The Chef. She loves wearing bright colors and any little extras that will make people laugh. Her hobbies include chuffing like a train, making car noises, making Play Doh poop, and tickle fighting. She couldn’t be happier (photo source).
6. The Nurse: The Nurse is the one everyone comes to with their booboos. If there is a finger to cover with Cars-themed bandaids, a scraped knee to kiss, or an imaginary fatal wound inflicted by enemy pirates to heal, she’s your woman. Her mystical healing powers are not limited to bodily, or even human, injuries. She is the first woman to successfully perform a stuffing transplant from an old throw pillow to a dog eaten stuffed animal. It was touch and go for a while, but the little hedgehog is back on his feet and recovering nicely. She often finds herself on the front lines of epic battles between batman and hoards of angry dinosaur-riding farm animals. She knows how to act quick and think on her feet. She often imagines herself as a WWII volunteer nurse, wearing the old fashioned nurses cap and the white apron. Her favorite movie is Pearl Harbor (photo source).
7. The Taxi Driver: Travis Bickel had nothing on this road raging mama. The Taxi Driver is a dutiful personality, but she can often be found driving way above the speed limit, rolling through stop signs, and tailgating the elderly. When The Maid sits on the pee sprinkled toilet seat in the middle of the night, she confides in The Taxi Driver who channels that rage onto the road. She is foul mouthed when the children aren’t around and likes to listen to loud music in the car. She is solely responsible for one of the group’s most embarrassing public mommy fail (See Tipper Gore Would Hate Me). She knows her way around town like it’s the back of her hand, and can seamlessly navigate the windiest roads while handing the baby a cookie and yelling at the three year old to sit back down in his booster seat. She loves driving, and sometimes goes on long drives just to be alone with her thoughts. The rest of the personalities definitely begrudge her that quiet time (photo source).
8. The Writer: The Writer is the newest of the personalities to arrive in the apartment. She is actually the closest thing to the original, pre child-induced-crazy, personality. She carries with her the hopes and dreams of the woman behind the Mom. She doesn’t wear a hat like the other personalities. She is free to wear whatever she wants, as long as she can find it in the closet. She is the only personality that is capable of changing and growing as the children age. She is very quiet at the moment, but with every passing day her voice gains strength and power. She possesses many different aspects of the other personalities and can trade hats back and forth with any one of them. Some days she tries out all the hats, just to see how the other half lives, so she can document it for posterity. Of course, this often leads to a terrible case of “hat head” and long rambling blog posts about imaginary sitcoms (photo source).
Well, folks, there you have it: the cast of the world’s first sitcom set entirely in the mind of a chronically sleep-deprived mother of two. You never know. It could catch on and be the next big thing on network television. Fox seems to be getting pretty desperate these days.
I’ll have to create a new personality, The Fashionista, before attending any television award ceremonies.
Do you play any other roles in your life? Tell me about them. I’m always on the look out for new characters…