Having children ages you. It has to. No one stays fresh-faced and youthful by sleeping 4 hours a night, eating grilled cheese crusts and too-soft grapes for lunch while chasing a toddler around the kitchen, showering once a week, and standing in the freezing rain while your child insists on strapping himself into his car seat at continental drift speed. It’s hard on your body to coast on fumes for 10 years.
My third child was born one month before my 32nd birthday, so my thirties have been entirely consumed by diaper changes, pediatrician’s visits, play dates, potty training, and tantrums. My twenties are already a distant memory. They are part of a past life that if I close my eyes and concentrate, I can almost remember, but not quite. I am a different person. Babies will do that to you.
So, in honor of my little beauty-sucking, energy-stealing, wrinkle-inducing darlings, I confess to you:
10 things that have changed since my 20s.
1. In my 20s I once laughed so hard I peed. In my 30s I pee a little every time I laugh, jump, sneeze, or walk too fast.
2. In my 20s I used to wear short sweater-dresses to show off my legs. In my 30s I wear long sweaters to cover my ass.
3. In my 20s I could drink people under the table. In my 30s I have a glass of wine and pass out at the table.
4. In my 20s I wore push up bras to accentuate my cleavage. In my 30s I wear push up bras to keep my boobs from resting on my stomach.
5. In my 20s a muffin top was a delicious snack. In my 30s it’s the unfortunate and inevitable result of too many delicious snacks.
6. In my 20s getting peed on was some kinky sex-rumor. In my 30s it’s just Tuesday.
7. In my 20s I used to run stairs for exercise. In my 30s I have to exercise so I can make it up the stairs without a break.
8. In my 20s I used to watch movies with subtitles. In my 30s the only letters on the screen are being read by Elmo.
9. In my 20s romance was dinner and dancing. In my 30s it’s letting me eat my dinner while it’s still hot.
10. In my 20s men used to look at my ass because they thought I was hot. In my 30s they look at my ass because there is a four day old gummy bear stuck to it.
These are the confessions of a 32-year-old mother of three. I should probably be embarrassed by most of these things, but that’s another side effect of having children. Once you’ve pushed a 9-pound human being through your vagina, everything else seems pretty insignificant.