Haven’t you heard? It’s the end of times. The Snowpocalypse. Snowmageddon. Death to all tropical vacations and the harbinger of cabin fever and nonsensical blog posts.
As I’m sure many of you already know thanks to my facebook ranting earlier today, our vacation to the Florida Keys has been postponed. I am currently a whirlwind of emotions.
I feel entirely justified in my decision to procrastinate packing as long as possible. I now have two more days to write silliness instead of doing anything around the house. Score.
I am annoyed that I had to spend the entire morning on the phone with the airline, hotel, car rental agency, and resort begging them to have mercy on my snowed-in family.
I am feeling a little loopy since I haven’t left the house in days and we are starting to run low on food. Unless you count Marshmallow Santas. We have plenty of those. I know what I’m having for breakfast tomorrow!
Above all, I feel completely, deeply, and irreparably cold. It is absolutely frigid in my house. This is Illinois, not the Yukon. It has no business being -16 degrees outside. I should probably add pissed off to my list of feelings as well…
So what’s an outmanned gal to do when she’s stuck in the house with three boys and two dogs? The answer is: whatever they want!
Today we erupted 15 Venusian volcanos. It was very important that they were on Venus. Because no Earth volcanos could satisfy the three year old’s need for rainbow colored lava. We spent an hour trying to light a match inside a jar so we could suck a hard boiled egg through the top. Did. Not. Happen. Major mommy fail. Tears were shed. Fingers were burned. It was bedlam. The baby coped with his disappointment in Mommy’s inability to conduct a science experiment designed for 8 year olds by eating his feelings along with three entire pouches of fruit and vegetable purees, three pots of banana yogurt, and about 6 Baby Yum Yum cookies. I’m pretty sure it was the 8 month old equivalent of Ben and Jerry’s.
The dogs spent most of the day trying to conserve energy so they could avoid going outside as much as possible. I think they figured if they didn’t eat or drink anything then maybe they could just hold off going to the bathroom until it warmed up. Or at least until Mommy’s back was turned and they could sneak under the bed to poop. The one time we managed to convince them to go outside they both reentered the house with little balls of ice where their feet once were. I’m putting “knit doggy booties” on my to do list for the next time the Polar Vortex visits central Illinois, right after learn some magic tricks that actually work, buy groceries with real nutritional value (marshmallow is not a vegetable), and shovel the driveway BEFORE it turns to solid ice.
I tried to talk the three year old into watching The Never Ending Story with me, but he decided it was too scary. Instead, he chose to watch a documentary about Venus and how the Earth might end up barren and lifeless someday due to the same greenhouse gasses that cause it to rain sulfuric acid on the surface of Venus. Terrible 80s special effects of a dog with green eyes vs the total annihilation of mankind? Easy choice, I guess.
Daddy chuffed with Thomas the Train for over an hour while the baby unpacked the suitcases one article of clothing at a time, pausing to slobber on each one before throwing them dramatically into the air. When I came into the room he was sat in the middle of a pile of my underwear and socks with a bra on his head. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quick enough to obtain photographic evidence since only seconds later Thomas the Train hit a particularly slippery patch of clothing on the tracks and derailed quite spectacularly. It took two cranes to lift him back onto the tracks. Luckily he was still able to chuff. Daddy was, as you can imagine, relieved.
Today, we were supposed to be on our way to our first beach vacation as a family. Instead, we ended up doing something even more unifying: nothing. Anyone can have a good time in paradise, but it takes a real family to make the best out of a disappointing, freezing, silly, unexpected day. I can’t think of five boys I’d rather spend a snow day with. Ok, that’s not true. Brad Pitt, Ewan McGregor, Adam Levine, Ian Somerhalder and Channing Tatum would be nice. But my boys were a close second.
So, I shall leave you with one last bit of silliness (for no good reason at all). I came down stairs from putting the baby to bed to find this…