The New Cleavage

Apparently displaying the bottom two thirds of your butt is the new cleavage, and I, for one, did not get that memo.

It’s everywhere, bursting forth from clothes made to fit my toddler, ambling nonchalantly through the supermarket (watch out for the freezer aisle!), tempting an entire generation of sex-obsessed teenage boys, and making me wonder how I missed this disturbing shift in fashion trends: Under-butt has become the new cleavage. As recently initiated member of the [Read more…]

Nobody Better Vomit on My Parade

Nobody Better Vomit On My Parade- How my kids like to remind me that I may be a pretty good mom, but I'm not always "super"

As a mother of three children under five years old, there are many times when I feel like a superhero just for surviving a typical day.  Like the time I schlepped all three of my children, like a deranged mother possum, through the Target parking lot in the rain because apparently my four-year-old would melt [Read more…]

Baby Girls Are Grosser Than Baby Boys

You may not believe me, but baby girls are grosser than baby boys, and here's why!

Boys are made of slime and snails and puppy-dog tails while girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Right? As a mom of two little boys, I was delighted to find out my third child would be a girl: a delicate little rose to balance out the testosterone. I filled her room [Read more…]

What do you do when your child rejects you?

Rejection

  I think everyone remembers the sting of their first unrequited love: the heartache, the confusion over what you did wrong or why you’re not good enough, and the deep longing to be with them any way you can.  Sure, it’s all part of growing, not to mention a plot device in almost every teen romantic [Read more…]

How My Children Restored My Faith in Humanity

Humanity

Growing up I was extremely sheltered. My world was homogenous. The rural town I lived in was approximately 99% white, anglo-saxon, protestant. Apart from their red necks, of course.  I had no idea how wide the world truly was. When I was 18 my world changed. My parents divorced, which was uncommon enough in my small [Read more…]

A New Mom’s Shit List

Shit List

Every new mom has been there at some point: exhausted, hormonal, sweaty, flabby, self-conscious, and probably aching from the vagina. Then out of nowhere, some jerk pushes all your buttons and you lose your cool in a fit of blubbering, cursing, and shooshing…because you probably woke the baby. If you were anything like me, you [Read more…]

Raising a Baby With a Ghost

Ghost

It’s 3:00am. The house is dark, and though the air around me is cold enough to see my breath I am unable to feel the chill. In fact, I wake to find my bed sheets soaked beneath me, the duvet twisted tight around my legs like a vine, and one arm draped awkwardly across the [Read more…]

Why I’d Choose My Husband Over My Fantasies

Fantasies

I’m just going to come right out and say it: I indulge in the occasional fantasy about men other than my husband.  I’ll wait while you digest that Earth-shattering bombshell. Of course, my fantasies are not always hot, steamy, nights of passion and athletic sexual prowess either.  Sometimes I fantasize about Adam Levine vacuuming my [Read more…]